Guess who cried at the pumpkin patch??

We did the hayrack ride, and sitting directly across from me was a baby about the same age my July 2017 baby would be. She had a ton of dark hair and was wearing a gold headband I saved to pinterest, dreamed about, while pregnant.

 That was bad enough-- then I realized the arrival of my period the previous day means I'm definitely going to be very UNpregnant when I attend that baby shower next weekend. I managed not to sob or openly weep but I was definitely crying on the goddamn hayrack and it was probably obvious. 

Say what you want about me, guys, but there is one stone cold fact no one can deny: I know how to fuckin' party.

I'm just in complete and total hell. It's not going anywhere and it's not getting any easier. In our temple service we say a little thing for those sick, suffering, or otherwise "in need of healing."  I nearly cried about four times, 'cause hi, that's me. Fix it, fix it, help me, I silently beg the universe, and no one is listening. No one cares.

I miss every one of them every second of every day. I feel like an arm fell off, and not only am I now trying to learn how to function while missing an essential limb, I am also trying to deal with loss of blood and a huge, untreated wound-hole in the side of my body. And I'm supposed to keep on chugging along as normal through all of this. 

I look back at myself this time last year, feeling sad and jelly while all my TTC friends got pregnant pregnate praighneit!!! and I'm so sad. With a few notable exceptions, all of those people are holding babies now, bitching about how faaaaaat they feel. I want to hug past me and warn her of the storm ahead. 

I'm just fucking sad and so powerless. I don't know how to survive this.  I'm going to, because I have no choice. But I really don't see how.