I'm sure this will come as a shock but this sucks! It sucks 10,000,000 times more than just having had one, or two. Each one is worse and makes me feel more and more isolated.
After one loss, I felt like I was on some distant planet, full of other bereaved mothers. We can see the happy, innocent, never-had-a-loss mamas down on their own planet, carefree. Able to enjoy the privilege of saying really cute things like "I'm just enjoying my pregnancy." They know we exist, but only in as a vague, scary idea. At least we bereaved mamas had each other to cling to.
At that point I thought I understood. I thought a loss mama was a loss mama, whether we'd lost one or two or five. Oh, what a sweet summer child I was.
It's not the same. One is so bad, I literally can't find language to tell you how much worse second, third, etc. losses are. One is unimaginable. Two is worse. Three is literal torture. Four is hell. After each subsequent loss, I felt like I got bounced to another, yet more distant planet, more and more isolated, further and further removed from normal pregnant people. From anything the average person can understand.
At this point I find myself on a desolate, frozen planet, so sparsely populated I may as well be alone. One or two more losses, and I'm afraid I may just float away like Major Tom. Party!
No comments:
Post a Comment