Oh my god, yes. Or a pregnant belly. And you're happy for them in that detatched, "good for you, random stranger," sort of way, but man, it really is a knife in the heart every time. I saw two little ones today just about the age our July 2017 baby shoulda coulda woulda been now, and a belly on a woman who must have a due date near my December one. I mean, yay for them, wooooo, but it's just jalapeno juice in the wound, because mine should be here, too. That should be me, and it's not, x4.
And you can never escape it. Ever. Leave the house? Slapped in the face with bellies and newborns. Unwind with TV or a movie? Surprise pregnancies as far as the eye can see. Scroll through social media? Pregnancy announcements, updates, complaints, ultrasounds, weekly goddamn belly pictures. Go to work? Karen from three cubes down won't shut the front door about her daughter's pregnancy. Pick up a magazine? CELEBRITY BUMP WATCH!!!
((Side note, EVERY time I have miscarried, a celebrity announces an O!M!G! pregnancy within weeks, often days. Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce, Serena Williams, and Mindy Kaling/Kylie Jenner. In that order. Every goddamn time.))
Hell, I tried to read a book to distract myself when I lost my December baby, and there was-- no shit-- an accidental surprise "we literally had sex one time" pregnancy DUE IN THE EXACT SAME WEEK OF DECEMBER! I would've thrown the book if I hadn't been reading it on my phone. Instead my brain shut down and I stared at the ceiling for like 10 solid minutes.
This is a thing so very many of us loss moms (and, I would imagine, infertility moms) have in common. It's hard for TONS of us. This is a frequent topic of conversation in our internet support groups. Pregnancy announcements, complaining about symptoms we'd just about die to get back, high-larious jokes about accidental pregnancies or how easy it is to just shoot out kids like a water slide, well-meaning but invasive comments about when we're having kids [or the next kid]... The list goes on and on. And I will tell you, every time someone posts about it and says, "is it just me?" she also expresses her guilt over these feelings. This is why I don't think I've ever heard a single person say, publicly, in mixed company, that these topics are difficult. We're afraid that those who've never had a loss will not understand, will assume we are just selfish and bitter, will judge. And nobody needs that, least of all in the midst of a shitstorm of grief.
So we just shut up and smile through dumb comments or stupid Karen's 4,500 newborn pics (THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME, KAREN) then go cry in a bathroom because there literally is no escape unless you go dig a hole in the woods and live there. Ever.
Unrelated, if anyone has a backhoe or excavator they're willing to loan out for digging holes in the woods, let me know.
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